"I woke up inside a small white room. My piano teacher was sitting by the bed and behind him stood two men who appeared to be doctors. I could hear their voices but couldn't understand anything for my mind was still too hazy. They all seemed to talk to me at the same time. However, after a lapse of time, I was able to catch some of their words and painful memories came back to me.
"They told me that I should try to forget all the past events and that I shouldn't feel any guilt for what had happened. They said that the Count and Ekaterina had left for Italy last week when they had known that I was out of danger. With tears and emotions, my teacher told me that the cut on my wrist was a bad one and that I would never be able to play the piano again. He added that I shouldn't worry too much because I could always fulfill my love of music by becoming a composer.
"I listened to these explanations as if they were talking to someone else. My mind was filled with Stefania's memory and nothing could matter. I knew I didn't have the rights to survive her but, in some ways, found out that I deserved to suffer.
"I knew from that moment on that I could never forget her nor ignore what I'd done but now I wanted to be alive so I can suffer. Death would be too mild.
"I spent one year in the hospital, living like a vegetable, enduring depression after depression. Sessions with my psychiatrist were useless. I was losing weight every day and could sleep only a night out of three when my body and my mind couldn't take it anymore. My mind did no longer respond to any outside stimulus. A test showed that whenever I tried to function normally, I would go into a nervous breakdown which could lead to madness if the episodes were too frequent. During these crisis, they would make me wear a straightjacket and would confine me for days inside a padded room without windows.
"Three months later, I was transferred to a public asylum for I could no longer pay for my medical care. I was put in a dormitory with other mentally ill patients. I realized at that time that I had to do something if I didn't want to sink into complete madness and lose, by that way, Stefania's memory. I knew I couldn't talk to other patients for they were all insane and if I could not find something to occupy my mind, I would definetly lose my mind in the near future.
